I'm A Lover, Not A Fighter

November 03, 2017

One of the ways I’m navigating Binge Eating Disorder is by creating coping cards- think mini portable vision board. The cards are used for quick inspiration and encouragement. I have really enjoyed making these, as it gets me back to doing something creative and artistic.

A few days ago, I was flipping through a magazine to find new images to include on my cards. I came across an ad that said “I’m in this fight for me”. I ripped that page out and put in a pile with the other things I’d found. As I was reviewing images, I decided I didn’t want to include “I’m in this fight for me”.

What exactly is being fought here?

I’m not interested in fighting anything. Things have felt like a fight for a long time and that sure as hell isn’t working. It’s exhausting.

Binge Eating Disorder is no picnic, for sure, but what designates that it must be a fight?

What if I chose to approach the recovery process from a place of curiosity, love, compassion?

Being mindful of the chatter and emotions an eating disorder brings with it?

Weapons (and forks) can be laid down for the sake of sanity. I can choose to succeed without it being an arduous thing.

Easy, absolutely not- but a much gentler approach.

Today I went to my favorite coffee spot to get some work done. After sitting down with my tea, my tummy rumbled. I saw the bagels, croissants and other bready treats. I didn’t want those. The other food option was a crepe. My BED brain immediately went into crisis mode. “So the bready stuff is an absolute ‘no’ but a crepe could be a disaster too. Why didn’t you eat enough for breakfast before you got here Paige? You need to eat something or leave. Gah, I wish I wasn’t hungry. They’re out of the fruit and seed bars I usually get. It’s going to be a while before I’m back home. I need to eat and it’s pissing me off.”

Um, hold on. I’m pissed at my body for doing its job?

Fighting the physical sensation of actual hunger- sounds like a real party, right? Being mad at your body for telling you useful information?

I could have continued to let it brew, become a full blown fight. After letting the mind chatter have it’s say, I ordered a crepe. Turkey, spinach and cheese with Frank’s Hot Sauce on the side. A reasonable choice with a caloric content that won’t send me into an emotional tailspin. Food that nourished my body and provided the satiation it needed.

Believe me, not all food crises are handled this way. Some are calmer, some are much worse. Yet I have decided I will not fight my eating disorder. We don’t have to be friends but we have to be in the same room with one another.

Having an eating disorder is hard.

So is treating one.

The road to recovery is incredibly difficult.

But it will not be a fight.

What are you ready to stop fighting? Need some help laying down your shield? Let's talk.